Hush... Its a secret!

Year 2008 would be remembered as the year of bailouts and pink slips. However, it was not long ago when Human resources were the prized possessions, that was an era when M&As, "attrition fears" and "retentions strategies" were the buzzwords. It was during that time when my chum Saurabh, an (MBA/7)¹ degree holder introduced me to the widely used but rarely discussed retention strategy-rumor. In many of the organizational behavior texts, grapevine is cited as one of the weapons in the armory of any manager, but I mistook it for a sling shot where in fact it is a bazooka.

Let me try to present my point in a form of a play.Our actors are:

1. Guys whose KRAs include maintaining low attrition rate while keeping the cost to the company low. Collectively, we will call them the Mafia.

2. Guys who think Mafia is their friend, we will call them Gofers. Only wise men know that Mafia is nobody's pal, but Gofers are no wise men, they just think they are.

3. Smartasses, the guys who have seen enough of Mafia to see through it now.

4. Nitwits, the guys who believe everything they hear.

Play Starts:

Scene 1
21st Jul 2008 11:00 AM
Gofer 1: (The guy in HR, chosen by Mafia to print the salary revision letter) Thinking, this year I will personally handle the printing of salary revision letters, last year as well everyone knew each others salary even before letters were distributed. He gets Gofer 2 in IT to connect a printer directly to his computer. He issues the print command but no printouts appear from the printer, he calls up Gofer 2 again to troubleshoot.

Outside in the main working area: A constant hiss of printer throwing papers attracts Smartass 1. Smartass 1 quickly calls out to Smartass 2, they have just hit the jackpot. (Gofer 1 got a printer attached to his computer but did not change his default printer settings).

Scene 2
11:30 AM
Smartass 1 meets Smartass 3 at the water dispenser.

Smartass 1: "Letters are slotted to be distributed today, the increment is paltry."
Smartass 3: "What? How do you know?"
Smartass 1: "Gofer 1 was printing the letters, we got hold of the booty."
Smartass 3: "Wow, thats some news, chalo let me spread the word, I will catch you later."

Scene 3:
There are hushes everywhere in the office regarding the letters.

Scene 4:
5:45 PM
Mafia distributes the letter at 5:45 PM, 15 mins prior to closing time to ensure that Smartasses don't get time to make hoopla of things.

With each letter distributed the tension in the premises starts growing. Gofers bear a look of devastation for they have been cheated, not given the deserved return for their loyalty. Nitwits start calling their managers in their previous organizations to revive the contacts. Smartasses saw it coming so they had already introduced surreptitious bugs in their code at such instances that would ensure a few on site trips.

Scene 5:
9:00 AM 22nd Jul 08
Nitwit 1,2 and 3 have decided they would confront their respective Managers, Mafia 1,2 and 3 about how upset they are about the raise they have received despite the hard work they have put throughout the year and that the organization has delayed the appraisal promised in April to Jul thereby slowing down their career growth, and that they will now look for alternatives to bring their career back on the fast track.

Scene 6:
Nitwit 1 sitting with Mafia 1
Nitwit 2 sitting with Mafia 2
Nitwit 3 sitting with Mafia 3

Nitwit 1: "Sir, I am disappointed by the raise I have received."
Mafia 1: "But I think you are in the high raise percentage bracket."
Nitwit 1: Elated, still keeping a straight face, "but sir, my package was already very low so in absolute terms I have been offered peanuts".
Mafia 1: "See Nitwit, money is not everything, the kind of work we are doing at this center is so niche that you should really concentrate on amassing as much product knowledge as possible, and money would follow on its own"
Nitwit 1: "But sir, this is what you told me last year also and besides I joined at a very low package and people with same experience level as mine are getting much more than me"
Mafia 1: "You should have taken an informed decision at the time of joining, I will try for a salary correction for you but cannot promise anything"
Nitwit 1: "Sir, you told me this last time also, I may not have patience to wait for another year"
Mafia 1: "You are upset right now, so I advice you to not take any rash decision, let me talk to the management and I will get back to you"

A similar conversation ensues between Mafia 2 and Nitwit 2, and Mafia 3 and Nitwit 3.

When Nitwits leave Mafias' room they are fuming and determined its time to put themselves up for sale in the open market.

Scene 7:
Nitwits meet over for drinks to gulp down their moments of professional devastation.

Nitwit 1: "As*h*le tells me money is not important, appreciate the work, I felt like telling him, you take all my work and let me have all your money".
Nitwit 2 and 3: Nodding profusely, bearing an expression explaining I know what you mean.
Nitwit 1 continues: "I have talked to the guys in my previous company, they would be more than glad to have me back"
Nitwit 2: "Wow!, are they hiring? Can you refer me too?"
Nitwit 3: "Me too?"
Nitwit 1: Smirking,"Oh! of course send me your CVs first thing tomorrow and I will send them across"

chitter-chatter and bitching about the Mafia continues. In the meantime beer keeps vanishing with an amazing show of how the human bladder can process some beerages (oops.. beverages) faster to allow the penetration of liquid motivation in the system.

They conclude, determined to quit ASAP.

Scene 8:
Grapevine kicks in.
Nitwits meet at the water dispenser.

Nitwit 2: "I've mailed you my CV, do forward it to your previous company."
Nitwit 1: "Consider it done."
Gofer 1 overhears the Nitwits, and calls up other Gofers for an important information he has to share over fag.
Gofer 1: "Nitwits are planning a revolt."
Gofer 2: "Shouldn't we join them too, after all we have been duped."
Gofer 3: "Nitwits on my floor are planning a revolt too, and I think Gofer 2 is correct, we too, should join them, after all we have been duped."

Rumor begins:
Scene 9:
Gofers meet the Mafia.
Gofer: "Nitwits are contemplating a mutiny."
Mafia: "What? Why?"
Gofer: "The appraisals have been very discouraging, inflation is more than appraisal in some cases."
Mafia: Making up a story already, "Oh! did I not mention about the mid term appraisals?"
Gofer: Suddenly intrested, "What, hell no?"
Mafia: "Of course, we have hired a top consulting firm to do a market survey for us, and a salary correction is underway based on the outcome of the survey. But hey!, keep it to yourself, its a secret."
Gofer: Thinking, wow! it pays to be a gofer, I know what none of the nitwits know.

Scene 10:
Gofer acting as the epicenter of knowledge, the ultimate heir of power.

Nitwits discussing the progress on their plan over a tobacco break, while the Gofer joins in.
Gofer: "So guys, excited about the midterm?"
Nitwits: Gawking at each other and then at the Gofer, "Midterm?"
Gofer: Playing along, "Oh! you don't know?, its nothing anyways."
Nitwits: Dying for the priced information that they have been deprived of, "Oh c'mon, tell us."
Gofer: Enjoying the teaser he is playing, "No boys, really its nothing."
Nitwits: Putting up a serious face now, "hey! you can trust us, we are not going to tell anyone."
Gofer: "Okay, but remember, its a secret, keep it to yourself. The midterm is planned in Oct, 15-20% at least." (Putting his own experience to attach a quantitative tag to the information).
Nitwits: Quickly calculating the impact on their own salaries, "man! tell me you are not kiddin."
Gofer: "Of course I am not, but boys keep it to yourself. Chalo, catch ya."

Scene 11:
Gofers meet more Nitwits, Nitwits meet fellow Nitwits and the secret is passed on with the promise that it shall not be passed on further.

Scene 12:
Nitwits meet again for drinks.

Nitwit1: "Boy! 15%, in just 3 months time. I say, we should stick till then, amass the booty thats coming and then put ourselves for sale with renewed priced tag."
Nitwit 2 & 3 Nodding in agreement while Nitwit 1 continues with the gyan he has to offer.
Nitwit 1: "It pays to put the pressure on the top guys, we should have talked tough the last time itself, amazing results it can yield."

They conclude with the decision to wait till Oct.

Scene 13:
30th Oct 2008:
Nitwits ambush the Gofer.
Nitwit 1: "What happened to the midterm."
Gofer: "Awe man!, red tape you know, its coming soon. HR dude is not in town, he is supposed to sign the revision letters."
Nitwit2: "Whaaa? Am sure there is a backup guy to act in his absence."
Gofer: "He too ain't available."
Nitwit1: "So how long do you see it streching?"
Gofer: "Ummm, 2 weeks, give or take a couple of days."

Gofer passed on the data fed to him by the Mafia, Nitwits satisfied that they have not been duped, while Mafia enjoying the results of their well hatched rumor.

Scene 14:
20th Nov 2008:
Nitwits ambush the Gofer again.
Nitwit 1: "What happened to the midterm."
Gofer: "Based on the latest inputs provided by your respective managers and looking at the current market scenario the data is being normalized, would take another couple of weeks."
Nitwit2: "What crap?"
Gofer: "Telling you all I know."
Nitwit 1: "What is the news, I hope the figure is still 15-20%."
Gofer: "Top guys say going by the current market scenario it could be somewhere between 10-15%."

Nitwits disappointed by the mathematics of it, but accept it considering the prevailing market scenario.

Scene 15:
15th Dec 2008:
Gofer is seen much too less around the hangouts for long now. Nitwits ambush the Gofer yet again.
Nitwit 1: "What happened to the midterm."
Gofer: "Layoffs in the European centers, Indian budget too has been cut short.Looks like only 5% is coming now."
Nitwits frozen to death, rush for a tobacco break to comfort each other. The decision is made, time to ambush the Mafia now.

Scene 16:
Nitwits: "What's happening with the midterm?"
Mafia: "Midterm? We don't understand?"
Nitwits: Shocked, "there was a midterm planned, so we hear."
Mafia: "No we don't have any such news, where is it coming from?"
Nitwits: Finding words difficult to come out of their throats. "Oh!, maybe we are just misinformed, sorry."

Scene 17:
Nitwits gather again for the drinks ritual. Followed by the usual swearing the Mafia and comforting each other, it is decided that they should wait for the annual appraisal which is barely a quarter away now, amass the booty and put themselves up for sale.

In the meantime, Smartasses are sent on site to investigate the sporadic output experienced on high load.

Mafia achieves its KRA of keeping the CTC low while ensuring low attrition.


1. Almost completed his first sem.